How to Take Better Photographs... The Basics. For Beginners. And the Obtuse.

Ivar Gravlejs is a photographer; he's been doing it for a long time, and has it down.

Still, that doesn't prevent him from looking at photography from the point of view of an absolute know-nothing beginner. "Dummy" doesn't begin to describe it... these tips are more for time travelers from the distant past who've never seen a camera, or possibly shaved apes.

Hilarious, painfully obvious, and great pictures abound... at least, half of them are great pics...



How to take pictures, for REAL Dummies and lower life forms.

Happy Towel Day 2009

Don't Panic. As all the hoopy froods out there know, today is Towel Day.

A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

Happy Towel Day everyone!

Links for further reading:
Towelday.org website
Flickr Towel Day Photoset
H2G2

The Best Internet Meme Since Bloodninja

The Ballad of Douche Quadbike. That's not what the original video was called (that's here), but the response to this guy spamming links all over the internet has turned this into the best story I've read in a while.

1. Watch this (barf bag handy).
2. Then, the video response by Sanchez that started it all.
3. And, to heighten your pleasure and waste even more of your time, take a look at the Cracked forum.


Hope that brightens your day. Wipe away your tears of laughter and go about your business.

Oh, and of course, there's the Hitler version too...

Oh, and in case you are unfamiliar with the work of Bloodninja, here you go: The Bloodninja Chronicles. Be sure to put on your robe and wizard hat.

Finally, the children.

Oh Dread Pirate Robert, when will you post more pics of your adorable offspring? Right now.

Without further ado, Here's Morris on a sunny day, dressed in a hat that is marginally too big for him, but doubles the adorability quotient. It's a mathematical certainty.



As for Milo, he's been taking more pictures than posing for them. Video seems to be the preferred medium for catching him in action, although his self-portraits are pretty cool. Most of the ones he takes of us chop out half our faces, because he starts dropping the camera as soon as he presses the shutter.

Why I Became a Teacher

From an interview with Alan Moore:

All too often education actually acts as a form of aversion therapy, that what we're really teaching our children is to associate learning with work and to associate work with drudgery so that the remainder of their lives they will possibly never go near a book because they associate books with learning, learning with work and work with drudgery. Whereas after a hard day's toil, instead of relaxing with a book they'll be much more likely to sit down in front of an undemanding soap opera because this is obviously teaching them nothing, so it is not learning, so it is not work, it is not drudgery, so it must be pleasure. And I think that that is the kind of circuitry that we tend to have imprinted on us because of the education process.

And that is the kind of circuitry we need to change, by making sure kids know how FUN and useful learning really is.

A Momentary Meditation on Tattoos

As per our conversation today, I tracked down one of my favourite Life in Hell cartoons of all time...



The Dread Pirate Robert is returning to regularly scheduled blogging.

Misson Accomplished... by Todd Snider!

Todd Snider's new album, "Peace Queer," is available for free download until the end of October 31. And it's great.

Can't talk, Facebooking...

I know it's been said before, but LOL.

Cartoon by Ape Lad (Adam Kolford) at http://apelad.blogspot.com.

President Obama

Who is that guy? That's the President of the United States.

This photo just makes me happy.

Rules for Grammar Geeks

I think this may be the second time I've taken a blog post by Miss-Cellania and I have no doubt I'm going to do it again.

Not a new list, but thanks to the Intertubes, everything old is new again. And still funny.

Literary Rules

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don't use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Life in Canada

Two photos completely unrelated to each other, except for the fact that they arrived in my inbox this morning.


First off, this is where I live. Far, far away from civilization, not a soul around for... oh wait, you can see the houses on the beach? All right, this is right around the corner from my house.


And this one, well, I have to confess I've been following the American election more closely than our own Canadian one, and then I see this photo.

Of course, my first thought was to insert Dick Cheney's face in place of Prime Minister Harper, and then I zoomed in on the image to see if Mr. Harper was drooling, or if I could see the bloodlust in his eyes... maybe some sign that he was planning on slurping the lifeblood out of the kitten, but no, nothing. Musta been photoshopped out.


Yes, it IS that cheesy.

Milo is... Luke Doucet and the White Falcon!

Okay, so he may not be entirely accurate, but it was awesome watching him take what we told him about his new hat, and just run with it. Literally.

Pirates really and truly making the world a better place

Wow, I think this may be the single greatest thing to come out of International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

According to the Arkansas Times:

What do you do to make a bunch of soulless nutcases abandon their post at the Convention Center? Send in the pirates!

Yep, the cuckoo Phelps hate group walked the plank this morning after a happy bunch dressed like pirates and holding signs saying "God hates shrimp -- Leviticus" and "God hates cotton-polyester blends" stood opposite them at the corner of Markham and Scott streets. The group, made up of Central Arkansas Pastafarians, waved swords and growled "Arrghh!" in a manner that would have made Abbie Hoffman proud.

With cars honking and waving at the pirates and a TV crew giving them all the attention, the Phelps group -- with a child in tow, sadly -- picked up their "fag" epithets and went away. Pitiful.

It just goes to show that Pastafarianism combined with grassroots community activism can defeat the wingnuttiest wingnuts the Republican party can dish out.

And no one, anywhere, can take a shot at Arkansas without thinking about these brave pirates. More to the point, they look like they had a blast. And THAT'S what really counts.

Pirates of Arkansas, I salute you!

Pirate Cats

And for my (presumably) last post before the ale and wenches take over, please allow me to celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day with...

Pirate Kitties. Set sail, mateys, and yo ho ho with a bottle of rum!

Robert Newton, father of Arrrrr!

Presenting, for your Piratical amusement, the great Robert Newton, the reason we associate "Arrrr..." with pirates.